Don Juan Triumphant
by Megana
Summary: Cluny tries to keep his sanity as he plots to take over Redwall using a Spanish-speaking pilot!
1. Part I

Notice

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.

By Order of the Author,

Per G.G., Chief of Ordnance

_(or by Mark Twain)_

Meg: Welcome to the first fanfiction I ever attempted to write! The saga of Don Juan began at a sleepover, when five friends and I made up one of those stories where one person starts it, stops at one point, and someone else picks it up. By the end of the story I had thrown in a Spanish-speaking pilot, who had managed to crash into Baskerville Hall (Sherlock Holmes reference). A few months later I wanted to try my hand at a Redwall parody, starring my favorite Redwall villain and a certain annoying pilot.

I wrote this from October 2001-November 2002, but did not bother to type it up for three years. Granted, in that amout of time my plots, reasonings, and grammar have improved tremendously, but I am so attached to this, my first story, that I was loath to change anything to have it make sense or not seem so ridiculous. Some characters are a little out-of-character, commas and certain words and names are repeated more than necessary, and anything can happen, but it's all in good fun.

I did not know what a Don Juan was until after I got attached to the name, so I never bothered to change it. Besides, it makes for an unexpected character stereotype change. And if anyone is claiming that I hate Spanish people or Britney Spears… well, eh, I don't hate Spanish people. 

And the notes in parenthesis… they were for the use of my close friends, the only ones up to this point who had read the story. Most of them had either never read the Redwall books or did not care for them (gasp!)

So sit back, relax, and enjoy Don Juan Triumphant!

* * *

Don Juan was sitting in the cockpit of his XE 13 Fighter, listening to the radio. Suddenly his plane took a tremendous swoop downward, into the trees below! Don Juan tried gaining control of the plane, cursing as branches snapped against the wings of his Fighter.

"You estupid, estupid plane!" he shouted. "Why you fly into trees again? I can't even take a very joyful ride in an airoplane anymore without acting estupid on me!"

Don Juan jerked the plane upward, escaping the treetops and flying over a vast sea. "Finally you don't act estupid on me. About time, yes-no?"

* * *

Leagues away, on the shores of the Eastern Sea, Cluny the Scourge sat upon his throne at Marshank. Finally h had a fortress of his own!

When he and a rag-tag group that was to be the start of his new army arrived at Marshank, the place had been an overgrown ruin consisting of rotting wood, crumbling stone walls, and tombstones covering every square in of space available! Cluny had gathered many creatures from the marshes nearby and set his new army to the task of removing graves and rebuilding the fortress. And what a prize it had turned out to be! There was plenty of food, he was safe from attack with the sea protecting his front and the marshes protecting his back, and best of all he was miles away from Redwall!

Yes, Cluny had survived the bell incident, but no one except his army knew that he was alive (A/N: Hey, the Redwallers never thought of actually LOOKING under the bell to make sure he was dead; they just naturally assumed he was.) Cluny wanted revenge on Redwall, but he did not want to face the warriormouse that endlessly haunted his dreams. But someday he would march to Redwall with a horde of a thousand vermin and take over the abbey. Mwhahahahaha!

But, for the time being, he would stay here to train his new army.

Cluny looked out the seafront window in satisfaction. Everything was going his way! He strode to the door to yell at his horde.

* * *

Don Juan was having trouble on his XE 13 fighter. In the middle of Britney Spears' song, "Oops, I Did It Again," (Don Juan's favorite song) the radio suddenly stopped working! Don Juan smacked the radio to fix it. When that did not work, he frantically started to switch the dials and buttons. No luck.

"Stop it, estupid radio! Give me back mi Britney!" Don Juan smacked his radio a few more times, but to no avail. The Spanish pilot tried to move the antenna to a location where it could receive a transmission, unaware of the strip of land that was coming closer by the minute.

* * *

Just as Cluny was about to open the door, two of his new captain, Slackett and Groner, dashed in, bowling him over.

"Idiots!" Cluny lashed at them with sinister, whip-like tail. The two vermin cried out."

"Owowow, sorry Chief! Don't whip me!"

"Ouch! Please Chief! We have urgent news!"

Cluny kicked the two rats. "What urgent news?" he snarled.

"Well Chief," Groner began. "We were on sentry duty on the east wall, an' we saw something comin' toward us from over the sea."

"Well what did you see?" Cluny snapped irritably. "Is it a corsair ship?"

Slackett blurted out, "It's a huge bird wi' big powerful wings coming this way!"

Cluny hurried to the east wall. Looking out, he saw a very big, low-flying bird. But it was not flapping its wings like most low-flying birds. And it did not have a face!

"What do we do now, Chief?" Groner asked.

"Get my ten best archers up here up here to shootit down," Cluny said. "And hurry up! It's getting closer by the second."

But before the two rats could do anything, the bird crashed into the side of the fortress!

Only quick reflexes saved Cluny. He had jumped at the last second and was hanging on a still-standing part of the wall. He pulled himself up.

As his horde closed in around the wreckage of the east wall, Don Juan jumped out of the cockpit of his plane.

"Mi querida!" he shouted. "What have you estupid peoples do to mi airoplane?"

The rat horde goggled at the Spanish pilot as he ranted on. "I will sue all you estupid peoples for every hundred dollar you got! How irresponsible of you, to let your estupid building get in the way of my airoplane!"

"Get him!" Cluny shrieked. "I want that blockhead's head for destroying my fortress!"

But no one was listening to him. The horde stared dumbstruck as Don Juan began kicking his airplane. "Estupid, stupid plane! First mi stupid radio takes away Senorita Spears, then you crash into the stupid building!"

Cluny was furious. He climbed up the rubble of the east wall, where Don Juan was throwing rocks at his XE 13 Fighter, insulting it in rapid Spanish. This stupid creature had ruined his stateroom, his fortress! Now he was going to pay.

But as his tail snaked out to Don Juan's neck, the Spanish-speaking pilot turned around.

"Elp! A very huge rat!" Don Juan whipped out a small BB gun. He shot at Cluny (who was only two feet away) but missed. The bullet knocked a rock off of the south wall, which hit a rat on the head.

"Owowow! He's killing me!" As the rat rolled around on the ground massaging his head, the horde took a few furtive steps away from the Spanish pilot. Even Cluny was beginning to become afraid of this strange creature who wielded dangerous weapons. He decided to play it safe.

As Don Juan tried to figure out why the gun would not fire a second time (he had forgotten to add more bullets), Cluny cleaved it in half with the barb on his tail.

"Why you do that, very huge rat?" Don Juan asked. "My mama gave that to me. Mama!" Don Juan cried.

Cluny climbed down the rubble pile. "Deadgut, get two rats and bring this creature to the storeroom! I will question him there!" Deadgut hesitated for fear of the Spanish pilot. "Do it now!" Cluny barked. "I'll whip you into dollrags and feed you to the fishes if he is not there in five minutes!"

* * *

Five minutes later, Don Juan stood between two guards in the storeroom, still weeping over his BB gun.

"Whaaah! You estupid, estupid, very mean huge rat, you are very rude. My mama gave it to me for my very 26th birthday because I had eaten my vegetable for two weeks. Now all I have is my memories. Like the time I shot and broke the water jug my sister was carrying on her head. And the time my brother and I shot a angry bull in the horn. He chased us for three hours. And the time I was to shoot my gun in the air during a celebration, but actedentally shot Senor Fidel Castro's cigar in half. That brought me even closer to my greatest national leader. And the time-"

"Shut up!" Cluny was getting really annoyed. "I don't care about your weapon, and I will do the talking! Who and what are you?"

"Me? Don Juan Carlos Felipe Miguel El Quaso, and I am Cuban, yesno?"

"WHAT?" Now Cluny was really confused about what to think of this strange creature. "What is a Cuban?"

"A Cuban is from Cuba. Duh! Even I know that! You are very estupid, huge rat."

"Shut up! I will do the talking, not you. You will only answer my questions. And I'm not estupid, erm, stupid. I'm not the one who got himself captured by Cluny the Scourge! And if you call me estu-, erm, stupid, one more time, I'll cut your tongue off and feed it to the seabirds!"

Don Juan had not really listened, because he then asked, "Who Loony the Scorch?"

Now Cluny was losing his temper. "Cluny the Scourge, you idiot!" he barked. "I am the more feared Warlord in all the land! From Southward to the far North, from Salamandastron to the Eastern Sea, every creature trembles at the sound of my name!"

"Really?" Don Juan said. "Because I do not believe I am trembling. Maybe there is something wrong with me, yes-no?"

"There's more than something wrong with you. Everything's wrong with you! You're a stupid idiot! The only thing you actually have the intelligence to do is destroy fortress walls with giant birds!"

Suddenly, Cluny had an idea. This Cuban could help him conquer Redwall. If he could take control of giant birds that had the power to destroy stone structures, they could surely defeat a group of timid mice! Cluny could easily fool the Spanish-speaking pilot into delivering Redwall into his claws! All he had to do was play his cards right.

Don Juan was on the verge of tears because the huge rat had yelled at him, but then he noticed the rat's attitude change.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you," Cluny said in a kindly voice. "Now, this place where you live, Cuba, where is it?"

The rat's attitude disarmed Don Juan. "Cuba is in the Gulf of Me'ico. My mama say it is also by U.S. of A."

Then, shockingly, realization actually dawned on Don Juan. "I am in the Bermuda Triangle!" he shouted. "But it does not look like a triangle."

"What? What are you talking about?" Cluny said in an annoyed tone. He was rapidly forgetting to be nice. "I've never heard of a Bermuda Triangle before, you pea brained idi-, erm, I mean, what is a Bermuda Triangle?"

Don Juan began to panic, ignoring Cluny's question. "Ok, let's see, I was flying that place called Miami.in the U.S. of A. Britney was singing the bestest song in the world, and then mi stupid radio stopped!" Don Juan was actually holding the radio. "Estupid, estupid radio! You cause me to crash into the estupid triangle with the estupid huge rats!"

Suddenly Don Juan stopped. He looked at the radio. "Uh oh," he said.

Cluny knew that meant bad news, so he dropped the nice attitude. "What is it?" he snarled.

Don Juan said, "I forgot to put new battery in mi estupid radio, so Senorita Spears wouldn't have stopped singing, and mi XE 13 Fighter wouldn't have been destroyed by your estupid building, and I wouldn't be in the estupid triangle land!"

Cluny was furious at this news. "WHAT?" he shrieked. "You destroyed half my fortress because you forgot to put battery in your radio?" He did not know what a battery or a radio was, but he did not care.

Cluny unsheathed his sword nd advanced toward Don Juan, maddened by this news. But before he got close, the radio started to blare full blast.

"Wee, it work!" Don Juan yelled triumphantly.

Cluny's guards ran off and hid behind some flour sacks. Even Cluny was becoming wary of this strange creature. To hide his fear, he barked at his two guards, "Get back here, this instant! You two are like a bunch of baby mice afraid of the dark!"

The guards slowly came back to their captive, but they made sure that they stood at least a foot behind him.

Cluny turned to Don Juan. "Shut that thing…!" Cluny realized he had upset Don Juan again. He impatiently waited for Don Juan to stop tearing up. Cluny could not hold his temper for more than five seconds, so he took the sword and stabbed a sack of flor. White flour spilled everywhere.

"Alright, I'll get right to the facts. Your estu-, um, your large bird crashed into my fortress, completely destroying-"

"What large bird?" Don Juan interrupted. "I doesn't see no large bird. I doesn't like birdies, they are so-"

"OKAY!" Cluny screamed. He remembered his plan, but was too irritated. "Well," he said through gritted teeth, "what is that, that THING, in my fortress!"

"No, no estupid rat, it is no thing. It is an airoplane," Cluny snapped (he forgot to control his temper).

Don Juan pointed to the remnants of his XE 13 Fighter. "That is an airoplane."

"No, no, NO! I know that is an AIROPLANE! You are so ESTU-, um, STUPID!" Cluny began to rent and rave, kicking and slashing at everything in his way. Five minutes later, the flour began to settle, and fragments of food and sacks were everywhere.

Cluny marched up to Don Juan, who was making little piles of flour on the floor. "Now, tell me what an airoplane is, like what it is, not that it is just an AIROPLANE!"

Don Juan looked at his flour piles. "Do you think, if I work very, very hard on it, I can builded a flower mountain to Senor Moon?" Don Juan pointed to the ceiling.

"NO!" Cluny shrieked as he kicked the flour piles, sending flour everywhere (it was already everywhere, but it seemed more dramatic that way.) "Now ANSWER the question!"

Don Juan was terrified of the huge rat, but he answered anyway. "An airoplane is a great machine. I and my brother builded my airoplane, but you estupid peoples destroyed it with your building getting in my way! And I am the most skilleded pilot in all of Larto Annamoro, but now I am no longer having no airoplane, yesno?"

"Well, do airoplanes fly?" Cluny asked.

"Si. I think I mean yes."

"Can you build your airoplane again?"

"Cluny!" Cluny remembered to be nice again. "Not 'very huge rat'. Just call me Cluny. Now, what is your name?"

"I already told you, very huge rat, um, Loony," Don Juan said. "Don Juan Carlos Felipe Miguel El Quaso. It is very easy name to remember, but you can call me Don Juan, I think."

Cluny put his arm around Don Juan. "Well, Don Juan, how would you like to get rich?"

"Rich?" Don Juan asked. "What you mean?"

"I mean rich! Gold, jewels, crowns, loot, plunder, anything you want to call it! If you build me an airoplane that can fly over Redwall Abbey, then you can have anything you want!"

Don Juan had no idea what the Redwall Abbey was, but the idea of getting a present on a day that was not his birthday or Christmas excited him. "Can I have a golden hamster? I always wanted a pet golden hamster."

"Of course," Cluny said. Then he turned his long-held temper on the two unfortunate guards. "Well, what are you waiting for? Find me a decent room, complete with parchment and quill, and my captains, sharpish! And clean up this room! It's a disgrace!"


	2. Part II

Day 1

Operation Arrow Plain

Cluny watched, Fascinated, as Don Juan barked out the orders to save his 'querida'. The Spanish-speaking pilot ran about, making sure that airplane was not damaged while in the hands of Cluny's clumsy horde (even though the plane was already too damaged for anymore to notice if the horde accidentally damaged it more.) The interior of the plane was still pretty intact, but the wings and propeller were completely wrecked, and the frame of the plane was too weak to keep it together.

Because of the frame's weak condition, the plane fell apart into three pieces as Cluny's horde levered it out of the rubble.

With a cry of anguish, Don Juan flew to what was left of his XE 13 Fighter. "What did you estupid peoples do, you estupid peoples?" He wept over the pieces for so long, Cluny had to send five of his soldiers to pry him away from the remnants of the airplane.

The horde removed the pieces, and set them down in what had once been a slave stockade. As the horde searched the rubble for scrap metal, Don Juan ran to the stockade and wept again over his plane.

* * *

Day 2

Operation Arrow Plain

Don Juan had spent all night in the stockade, weeping over the plane. Cluny realized that the Spanish-speaking pilot would not help rebuild the plane while he was so distressed, so Cluny promised to give Don Juan two golden hamsters instead of just one if he would stop crying.

Cluny was irritated beyond belief. He tried to spend as little time around the Spanish-speaking pilot as possible, but Don Juan kept following him around, asking him dumb questions. Just five minutes ago, Don Juan asked Cluny when story time was. Story time! He had never told anyone a story before; he did not need to. Cluny got his second-in-command, Bulbag, to take Don Juan away from him, before the Warlord could kill him.

Cluny tried to study the blueprints for the airplane, but he could no understand them. He needed Don Juan's help, but that idiot was off getting greensap milk and old, stale cookies somewhere. And what was with the golden hamsters! Don Juan was so excited about his 'new' pets, that he started to build a cage for them. Cluny had no idea what a hamster was, but he did not really care. As long as his empty promises made Don Juan cooperate, he was satisfied.

"Guess what, very huge rat?" Don Juan ran into Cluny's makeshift commanding post, which was in the laundry room.

Cluny clenched his paws as he looked for Bulbag. "What!" he yelled.

Don Juan held out a raged, old toy. "I found Senor Teddy in my airoplane!"

"Where's Bulbag!" Cluny shrieked.

Don Juan looked around. He said, "I am believing that he is eating some cookies, very huge rat."

Cluny stormed past Don Juan and ran to the galley. Sure enough, the rat was finishing the last of his milk.

Cluny strode up to his second-in-command and knocked the beaker out of his hand. "What are you doing?" Cluny shrieked. "Why aren't you watching that Cuban?"

Bulbag looked up at he. "These cookies are really good. You want one?"

"NO!" Cluny smashed the plate against the wall. "You are to obey my commands, not stuff your face, you fat pea brain!"

"But Chief," Bulbag protested. "He asked me if I wanted a cookie, and then he said he had something extremely important to tell you. So I let him. I figured you wouldn't want me listenin' in on your top-secret plans."

"And you believed him!" Cluny roared. "The only top-secret plan I have is to find a way to keep my sanity while I have to put up with that Cuban freak!"

"Aw, Chief, he ain't that bad. In fact, he's a pretty nice guy. Not that bright, but I wouldn't hold that against him."

Cluny could not believe his ears. "Not that bright? He's a complete idiot!" He stormed out of the galley. He needed to be alone, to sort out his thoughts. He had planned on letting Don Juan live if he successfully built the plane, but now Cluny was looking forward to throwing him off a cliff.

* * *

Day 13

Operation Arrow Plain

Cluny watched as Don Juan and his group of helpers pieced together the iron frame that was to support the structure of the airplane. The job would have been completed three days ago, but Don Juan misplaced some of the rods, and attached them at crazy angles. Don Juan could not even read this own diagrams! Sometimes he held them upside down, and would remark to Cluny, "I am not remembering that they were in English, very huge rat."

Cluny was getting sick of being called 'very huge rat', especially in front of his horde. Cluny tried telling Don Juan calmly, but he always lost his temper, and Bulbag had to take him away from the evil Warlord.

Another thing that was irritating Cluny was how quickly Don Juan had been accepted into the horde. Everybeast wanted to hear the pilot speak in his native tongue, and eagerly made room for him at a campfire to hear of his many exploits in that strange land called Cuba. They also encouraged the fool's stupidity by laughing at his dumb comments as if they were hilarious jokes!

Cluny thought he was imagining it, but the Warlord sensed he was losing command of his own horde. There was an easy-going air about the fortress, not the tense, anxious atmosphere which had previously dominated Marshank. Cluny had reason to suspect that Don Juan was behind it, but-

"Oh very huge raaaaaaaaat," Don Juan said.

"WHAT?" Cluny snarled.

Don Juan shrugged. "We finish the frame. Geez loweeza, I am believing you are getting, oh, how do you say, touching?"

Cluny was furious. "I am NOT getting TOUCHY!" He stormed out of the boiling hot stockade.

Don Juan turned to Deadgut. "He need to be visiting Cuba sometime. Senor Castro would be loving him."

* * *

Day 19

Operation Arrow Plain

Since a lot of the plane's exterior had been destroyed in the wreck, Cluny made the horde give daggers, swords, and cutlasses to be melted for metal. Unfortunately, the steel plates made from the metal could not be held together without being riveted, and Marshank was minus a riveter or rivets.

Cluny was still trying to figure out how to solve this problem when he heard a commotion and some very strange music in the courtyard. He raced out of the laundry room and watched in astonishment as Don Juan began to instruct the horde in some strange hand movements.

Don Juan was starting to get impatient with the horde. "No, no, no," he said to Slackett, who was still wearing a sling from the plane crash. "You put yours right hand in, not your left." Don Juan then turned to the rest of the horde. "And then you…" he strained hard to remember the rest before saying, "do the Hokie Pokie and you turn yourself around…." The Spanish-speaking pilot spun himself around. "That's what it's all about!"

The horde mimicked his moves and spun around, some knocking down their comrades, others tripping over their tails.

"No, no, no," Don Juan said impatiently. "Now one more time, until you are getting it right!"

Cluny smacked himself in the head. His horde must be dumber than Don Juan!

"Don Juan!" Cluny barked. "Come here!"

"But very huge rat, I am being very busy over here." Don Juan turned back to the horde. "Now one more time. You put your left hand in…"

Cluny lost it. "NOW!" he screamed.

Don Juan walked up to Cluny, saying, "Okay, okay, geez." He and Cluny went into his 'office'.

Cluny glared at his hated partner. "Why aren't you working!"

"Well, we can't. We don't have Senor riveter."

Cluny leaned close to Don Juan. "Well, I think I know how to solve your riveting problem," he said in a deadly tone.

* * *

(Note to reader: I don't exactly know if Cluny's method would actually work, but if someone has a better idea, please enlighten me. I would've researched it more, but this story isn't about rivets, it's about Cluny and Don Juan.)

Later that day, Cluny and Don Juan watched as two rats named Kalz and Jola worked at some rivets from Don Juan's tool box. Kalz hit the rivets into the plates with a sledgehammer while Jola slammed them home with an even larger hammer.

Don Juan said, "It is working very huge rat, yesno?"

"Yes, Don Juan," Cluny answered exasperatedly.

"Do you think we are being done soon, very huge rat?"

Cluny clenched his paws. "I. Don't. Know."

Don Juan said, "You are my bestest friend in the wholest, widest world, very huge rat."

"CLUNY!" Cluny shrieked. "My name is CLUNY! CLUNY, CLUNY, CLUNY!"

"You're right," Don Juan said. "You are loony, loony, loony."

Cluny ran to his laundry room, screaming, "BULBAG! Get HIM away from ME!"

Don Juan turned to the two riveters. "What did I say?" The two rats shrugged.

* * *

Day 24

Operation Arrow Plain

Don Juan loaded his new XE 14 Fighter with his toolbox, his first aid kit, his rations, his teddy bear, his broken BB gun, and his Britney Spears paraphernalia. Last, but not least, the Spanish-speaking pilot duct-taped his battered and beaten old radio to the door of his airplane, within easy reach.

The plane was going on its first test flight.

"Well, are you ready?" Cluny asked.

Don Juan answered, "I am thinking so, very huge Loony."

Cluny marched up to Don Juan and put a dagger to his throat. "You call me 'Loony' one more time, and I'll slit your throat faster than you can say 'Cuba'," Cluny threatened.

Cluny thought he had made his point until Don Juan said, "You know, you shouldn't be playing around with sharp knives, estupid rat. How estupid of you! My mama say you cut yourselve with a knive and give yourself a boo-boo which will be hurting very mu-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Okay, okay, geez Loweeza, stop being touching." Don Juan started the plane. "Ready, very huge rat?" he asked.

Cluny clenched his fists and stormed into the cockpit. He would have killed Don Juan by now, but he had already gotten so far, and Cluny did not want to mess up now. He needed someone to fly the airplane, and no one could do it except Don Juan, as dumb as he was. That was part of the reason why Cluny was riding along, to learn in case he needed to get rid of the Spanish-speaking pilot. But there was another reason as well. Cluny knew Don Juan would be too stupid to find Cuba on his own, but Cluny wanted to make sure that Don Juan did not accidentally find it and never come back (with Cluny's luck, the idiot might even crash the plane again.) So the Warlord was making sure Don Juan did not mess up his plans to conquer Redwall Abbey.

The horde backed away from the plane as it flew out of the hole in the fortress wall (it had never been repaired).

"Wee, I am believing that I am flying, very hu-, Loony!" Don Juan exclaimed. Cluny went to smack his head, but the plane did it for him as it took a spinning dive toward the Eastern Sea.

"Aaaaaaaaaagh!" Cluny screamed. Then at the last second, Don Juan jerked the plane up, sending up a spray of salty sea water.

Cluny let go of his hold of the back of Don Juan's chair and fell to the floor of the cockpit, suddenly sick. Don Juan glanced at him.

"Do not be worrying, very huge rat," he said. "This estupid airoplane will get useded to flying soon enough." Don Juan picked up his teddy bear. "Here," he said. "You can hold Senor Teddy if you are being scareded."

Cluny was about to protest when the plane lurched, and he went searching for something to vomit in.

Don Juan turned on the radio to Britney Spears' new song, "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman," and began to sing completely off-key along with the singer. Cluny looked up at a poster of the pop princess. The sight of her ugly features made him want to vomit even more than before.

Suddenly the radio lost its transmission, and Don Juan began to smack the radio, saying, "Britney! Britney! Where is she, stupid radio?"

The plane spun upside down as Don Juan once again abandoned control of his plane to fix the antenna. Cluny was too nauseated to say anything. Then he saw Marshank in the distance. They were going to crash into it!

"Don… Juan?" Cluny gasped.

"Not now, Loony Scorch, I hava to find Senorita Spears. Come on estupid ra-"

"THE FORTRESS!" Cluny grabbed the controls and jerked the plane completely around, just before it hit the west wall. Then Don Juan landed it in the courtyard with a jolt.

Cluny stumbled out of the plane, completely frazzled. "Wasn't that much fun, very huge rat?" Don Juan asked.

Before Cluny could answer, the radio once again blared Britney Spears' song.

Cluny's stomach had had enough. He bolted to a latrine and slammed the door.

* * *

Early the next day Cluny stood at the head of his horde of 200 rats. The XE 14 Fighter sat on a wagon. It would be pulled to Redwall to conserve the limited supply of fuel that survived the plane crash. Cluny was furious that he did not have his war helmet, or batwinged cloak; they had all been lost in his last battle. He had to settle for a purple traveling cloak.

Cluny temporarily forgot these setbacks as he gazed at the horde, prepared to kill. All were armed to the teeth, with fearsome, bloodthirsty glares in their eyes. Banners and standards frolicked in the gentle breeze, but no one moved a muscles. All eyes were on the evil Warlord.

Cluny regally strode to a rock overlooking the horde, so everybeast could see him.

"This time, there will be no mistakes! No retreats, no going back! You all belong to me, so you will do as I say! Anyone who deserts is dead! Anyone who defies me, disobeys my commands is dead! Anyone who does not fight tooth and claws with all his might is also dead! You-"

"I guess I must be dead, very Loony," Don Juan shouted from the wagon.

"SHUT UP, Don Juan, unless you want to find out how to be dead firsthand!"

Don Juan was really confused. "But you say anyone who is desserting is dead, and I had a cookie last week, and I guess I'm dead since you-"

"DON JUAN! Shut UP!"

"Okay, okay, geez." Don Juan sat down.

Cluny tried to regain his former dignity, but in vain. He could feel the treacherous, bloodthirsty attitude leave the horde. Cluny decided to end his speech. "On to Redwall! Kill, kill!" he roared.

The horde shouted back in reply, "Cluny, Cluny, kill, kill, kill!"


	3. Part III

Two months later, Cluny's horde camped just off the north path, in Mosflower Wood. Redwall was just a half an hour's march away.

Cluny was going crazy. Don Juan was his problem, always his problem. The last two months had consisted of complaints, hearing, "Are we there yet?" from Don Juan every five minutes.

At least his goal was almost reached; Don Juan would be flying over Redwall tomorrow morning.

* * *

The stars were still out as Don Juan's XE 14 Fighter was pulled to the edge of the meadow facing the Abbey. A pinkish glow from the east made Redwall look like some magnificent jewel in the twilight. The horde was blind to the beauty around them, though. Their only thoughts were to conquer.

Cluny had gone over the plan over and over again until he was positive that even Don Juan understood it. Don Juan would fly his plane into the Abbey. The noise of the engine would, of course, wake up the Abbey dwellers, who would rush out of the building to see what was going on. Meanwhile, Don Juan would jump out of the plane and open the main gates, letting the horde of awaiting rats into the Abbey. Then they would kill any and all of the leaders, and take the rest as slaves. And all Don Juan had to do was open the door. Cluny had even taken his radio away as a precaution to make sure he did not crash again.

As the horde lifted the plane off the wagon, Cluny gave some last minute instructions to the Spanish-speaking pilot. "Now remember," Cluny said, "land the airoplane and open the big doors in front of Rdwall. Got it?"

"Si, Senor Loony," Don Juan replied.

Cluny directed the horde to the main gates. Don Juan climbed into the cockpit of his plane and started the engine. The plan was flawless; Cluny was sure of it. Don Juan waved to Cluny as he took off, flying low over the Abbey. Cluny raced to the front gates.

* * *

Constance woke up to a strange roaring sound overhead. It sounded like Redwall was collapsing! As the badger ran to alert the others, she bumped into Orlando the Ax. He was already holding his massive battle-ax in his paws.

"Constance, alert the Abbot! I'll warn Matthias!"

"What is it?" she asked.

"I don't know. Hurry!

* * *

Don Juan flew over the strange place the very huge rat called Redwall. It would be a dangerous landing, especially since he had never really mastered a landing before.

He did a nosedive down toward the Abbey pond and pulled it up before it touched the water. He flew just over the orchard, branches snapping as he passed. The Don Juan saw a great place to land, right in front of the main doors. Just as he was landing, Orlando and Matthias rushed out of the gatehouse, Matthias carrying the legendary sword of Martin the Warrior. The two Abbey dwellers saw the plane heading straight for them. They jumped out of the way as the plane roared past.

"Out of my way next time, big animals!" Don Juan shouted. "You estupid peoples almost wrecked mi airoplane again! Geez! I can't even take a very nicey ride in mi airoplane without some estupid peoples or building getting in my's way!"

Don Juan did a complete circle around Redwall before landing in between the main gates and the Abbey building. Matthias, Orlando, Basil, Constance, Jess, Winifred, Auma, and Mattimeo stood in front of the Great Hall, completely stunned.

Don Juan jumped out of his XE 14 Fighter and looked around. He then ran past the defenders on the steps and opened the doors to Great Hall, where the rest of the Redwallers were standing.

He yelled, "Very huge rat, I open the doors!"

* * *

Cluny smacked his head. The idiot had opened the wrong door! 


	4. Part IV

Basil murmured to Matthias, "The blighter looks perfectly harmless old chap, wot wot!"

"I know," Matthias answered. "But we must be on our guard. We don't know if he's friend or foe."

"Matthias, he mentioned a rat. He must be an enemy!" Orlando said.

"Let's just question him."

* * *

The sun rose high over Redwall Abbey as Don Juan finished his tale. The defenders stared at him in disbelief.

"How can this be true?" Jess asked. "No one could survive the bell, not even Cluny!"

"If creatures can build devices that fly through the air like birds, then Cluny could survive a bell."

"What are we going to do?" Winifred asked.

"Yes, Cluny's out there no doubt, with some great army, just waiting to kill us all," said Cornflower, who had just arrived with food. (Of course! She's always serving someone. One of my biggest pet peeves!)

"No, no, Senora, there be only two or three hundreds of them, I think," Don Juan assured her.

"Well, we must be prepared," said Matthias. "Unfortunately, the Sparra Warriors who survived the Summer of the Golden Plain flew off long ago. We can't get much outside help."

"You have my otters," Winifred said.

"And Sam and I could easily pass the horde through the treetops. We'll get anyone you may need," Jess volunteered. (Yes, it goes against what Matthias just said. Ignore that…)

"Great!"

"And I am having my BB gun!" Don Juan pulled the toy out of his pocket, still in two pieces. The defenders were speechless.

"Cornflower," Matthias said after a while, "Could you take our new friend here for a walk around the Abbey?"

"Sure." The mousewife gently pulled Don Juan's hand. "Come on," she said. "I'll give you some of my special apple scones."

When they had left Cavern Hole, Matthias asked, "Now what are we to do about the Don Juan stranger?"

"Well, he seems very nice," Abbot Mordafus began. "He just seems, well, I mean…"

"A little challenged in the old noggin?" Basil interrupted.

"Misunderstood," Father Abbot finally said.

"If we keep him, he might betray us to Cluny as he betrayed Cluny to us."

"But he will probably be killed if we send him outside these gates, Constance. Now please, he's already been a great help to us already. He saved our lives today-"

"From his blunder, old thing."

Father Abbot sighed. "I know, but maybe he has some other strange invention which could be of unspeakable help to us."

* * *

Cluny sat in his tent, completely shocked. He had withdrawn his horde right after Don Juan had announced his blunder, in hopes that the Redwallers would not believe Don Juan's story if he related it to them. The fool! Now what was he going to do? The horde was not trained enough for battle, and Cluny had already lost the element of surprise! His pride would not let him retreat, either.

The Warlord needed a way to coax Don Juan to leave Redwall with his airoplane. Then maybe he could convince the Spanish-speaking pilot to crash the plane into the wall or something. But how could he get the Cuban's attention without that Redwall lot finding out?

Cluny suddenly had an idea. He grabbed some parchment and began writing.

* * *

Don Juan was amazed at the size of Redwall Abbey. He had never seen such a place! And the food was delicious. He also liked Cornflower; she was very nice. But something was bothering him.

"Cornyflower, where are my golden hamsters?" he asked.

"Golden hamsters?" Cornflower was puzzled.

"Si, the very huge rat say I getted two golden hamster ifa I fly over this walls-that-are-red place."

"You mean Cluny?"

"Si."

"Well, Don Juan, you see, he does not really keep his promises very much."

"So you mean very huge rat lied to me?" Don Juan was about to cry. "I even have my hamster cage. He can't lie to me after I make my hamster cage, Cornyflower!"

"I'm sorry, Don Juan."

Mrs. Churchmouse ran up to Cornflower. "Could you be a dear and help us out in the kitchens? Half of the staff are guarding the walltops, and the Dibbuns keep coming in the steal slices of my blackberry flan."

"All right." Cornflower turned to Don Juan. "Sir, could you go to the Abbey pond, right over there? Tel Sister May I sent you," Cornflower said.

"Okeydoke, Cornyflower!" Don Juan replied.

As Cornflower walked to the kitchens with Mrs. CHurchmouse, Don Juan set off for the Abbey pond, where Sister May was watching a group of Dibbuns as they splashed about in the water. He had only taken a few steps when something hit him on the head.

"Hey!" Don Juan shouted. He looked up. No one was above him, not even a guard. Then he noticed what had hit him. It was a rock with a piece of parchment tied to it, which said, 'Don Juan.'

The Spanish-speaking pilot exclaimed, "A letter for me! May be it is being from mama!" He eagerly untied the note.

It said:

'Don Juan,

If you ever want your rah-dee-o ever again, bring your arrow plain back to me. I'll give you 3 golden hamsters and all the cookies you want. And don't mention anything to the creatures of Redwall, this note or anything about me. Fly away tonight, to the meadow.

Very Huge Rat

P.S. Hide this note.'

Cluny sat perched in a tree directly over Don Juan. The stupid fool was actually reading the note!

Don Juan looked around him. He then yelled, "OKAY, VERY HUGE-"

Cluny furiously threw acorns down at the pilot.

"Ow, ow, ow." Don Juan ran to the Abbey pond.

Cluny watched as he hid the note in his pocket. Satisfied, the rat climbed down the tree.

* * *

Jess Squirrel ran up to Matthias.

"Did you find out if it really is Cluny?" Matthias asked her.

"Yes!" Jess exclaimed. "Matthias, he was sitting in an old oak tree by the north wall. He had thrown a note to that Don Juan. When he climbed down, I followed him. His camp is about 1 ½ miles north from here."

"Did you see how many rats were in the camp?"

"Yes. Don Juan was right, there are about two hundred. But I don't think he realizes just how dangerous Cluny is."

"Why?"

"Here, I have the note!"

Matthias quickly unfolded it and read it. "Cluny's blackmailing out friend! No wonder Don Juan tried to open the main gates. Cluny threatened to kill his rah-dee-o unless Don Juan did as Cluny wanted!"

"But what about this part about the hamsters and cookies?" Jess asked.

Matthias studied the note for a minute. Finally he said, "It's probably a hoax to make the situation look like a bribe. I mean, whoever heard of golden hamsters?"

Basil bounded it. "Why, hello old thing!" he exclaimed. "I've just had a spiffin' brilliant idea for our rodent problem, wot wot!"

"Excellent! What is it, Basil?"

"We can get this Don Juan chap to fly his arrow thingy into Cluny's camp, which will kill most of the rats. Then we ambush it and get rid of the rest of the murderous lot!"

"Father Abbot's not going to approve," Jess said. "He won't attack until they do."

"But the blighters have already attacked!" Basil insisted. "They tried to this morning!"

"What if Don Juan flies the airoplane to Cluny, but then destroys it so Cluny can't use it?" Jess suggested.

"He'd kill Don Juan and his rah-dee-o," Matthais said.

"What rah-dee-o?" Basil asked.

"Long story."

"Well, shouldn't we rescue the rah-dee-o?" Jess asked. "Then Don Juan wouldn't have to be bound to this villainous deed."

"Great, Jess! Call the defenders and Don Juan. We need to discuss this new information."

* * *

"Now Don Juan," Matthias began, "you know what a dangerous situation this is. Cluny has your rah-dee-o in his possession. We've decided to rescue your rah-dee-o, but we need your help. Can you show us where he's keeping your rah-dee-o?"

"You know 'bout radio?" Don Juan asked.

"Yes, Don Juan," Father Abbot said.

"Okay, I take you to very huge ra-, I am meaning, Clooney to find radio? Then maybe I show you Hokie Pokie, yesno?"

"Uh…"

"Oh…"

"Ah…"

"Ummm…"

"Mmmm…?"

"Er…"

The defenders exchanged puzzled looks.

Finally Basil answered, "Sure, old bean! Whatever you say!"

"Yeay!" Don Juan shouted. "'Cause very huge rat never wanted to. Neither did my sister. Or my brother. Or my nefew. Or Senor Castro, come to think of it. I sent him 27 letters asking if he would be wanting to see Hokie Pokie, but he musta never get them. Estupid mailman! He never bring my 51 letters to Senorita Spears too. Estupid, estupid mail! Estupid peoples these days! They are being so…"

The defenders stared speechless as the Spanish-speaking pilot ranted on.


	5. Part V

Cluny paced impatiently in front of his tent. The sun had not set quite yet. Inside the tent the radio blared out its music (this time it was "Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous.") Cluny had been playing around with it and accidentally turned it on. He could not figure out how to turn it off again. And he also could not understand why anyone would want to rob a rich person (besides himself).

An army of woodlanders peered through the bushes around the rat camp. Jess went to each creature, making sure they were prepared to fight."

* * *

Matthias boarded the plane with Don Juan.

"Matthias!" Cornflower called. He turned around. "Please, be careful. I know you can defeat Cluny."

He jumped down and gave her a kiss. "I will," he promised. "I love you."

Matthias climbed back into the plane. He gazed at Cornflower as the plane took off.

(Awwwwwwww, isn't that cute? I needed to let my non-Redwall readers know that Matthias and Cornflower were married somehow. Besides, I need to put at least ONE mushy part in this story.)

* * *

Some of the rats began to dance to the radio (which was now playing "Sk8er Boi.") Cluny was desperately trying to turn the machine off when he heard the familiar drone of the engine overhead.

Rats dove out of the way as Don Juan's 'querida' ripped tents to pieces.

"No!" Don Juan yelled. "These very huge rats will never be learning, Matthiasmouse." The seasoned warrior hung on for his life as the plane jolted to the ground.

Cluny tossed the radio aside as he scrambled away from the plane. He tripped on his own tail and fell on his face. He clamped his eyes shut as the wheel of the plane rolled towards him. Suddenly the plane stopped, inches from his face. Cluny gave a sigh of relief.

"REDWALL!" Jess and her defenders jumped up from the bushes, weapons aimed at the poorly prepared rats. "Surrender now, and we will let you live," the squirrel announced.

Don Juan jumped out of the plane, accidentally stepping on Cluny's tail.

"'He was a sk8er boi, she said see ya later boi…'" Don Juan dug the radio out of a torn tent. "Very Clooney, I am believing I am liking her better than Senorita Spears. How 'bout you?" He switched the radio off.

Matthias stumbled out of the plane. He dizzily held his sword-point to the villainous rat's throat. "You've lost, scum," he whispered.

"Now, where is my hamsters being?" Don Juan mumbled to himself as he dug through the remnants of Cluny's tent.

Cluny was not going to give up without a fight. Seeing that Matthias was still unsteady from the flight, he tripped the warrior with his tail. The sword flew several feet away. The rat jumped up and grabbed it. "Wait, squirrel!" he yelled. "Let my army go, or else I kill the mouse!"

Jess hesitated. She knew that Cluny would probably still kill Matthias, even if she let the army go. But she could not let him murder her friend. "What shall we do?" she whispered to Basil.

Don Juan yelled triumphantly, "Wee! I find them!" He eagerly grabbed his golden figures, to accidentally lose his grip on them as he went to hold them up.

"NO!" Cluny shrieked. Too late. The gold statues smacked him in the head. He collapsed, unconscious, to the ground.


	6. Part VI

The Redwallers stood in front of the Abbey. Some were carrying flowers, crying. Don Juan was leaving Mossflower. The Spanish-speaking pilot loaded the last of his supplies into the XE 14 Fighter, which was draped in flowers.

"Please Don Juan, don't go," Mattimeo begged. "We'll miss you too much."

"I am sorry, youngest Matthias," Don Juan said. "I must be seeing my family again. But," he said, seeing the young mouse's face fall, "you Redwall may be keeping my one golden hamster, to be remembering me by." He handed the figure to Mattimeo.

"Mattimeo," Matthias called. The young mouse obediently went over to his father. "Mattimeo, I cannot defend our home forever. I am getting too old to be living a warrior's life. Son, I now call you Mattimeo, Champion of Redwall Abbey." He placed his battle-scarred blade into the speechless mouse's paws. "Protect our home well, warrior." Everyone cheered (and there was much rejoicing).

The doors to the Abbey opened and Constance and Orlando the Ax came out, dragging a struggling Cluny to the plane. The chained rat screamed as he fought with the two badgers. "No! Don't make me go, please! Anything but this! Send me to a deserted island, lock me up, anything but this, puh-leez!"

Constance kicked the rat. "Oh, shut up! Be happy that we are showing you some mercy, you filthy scum! If I'd had it my way, you'd be dead now!"

As Skipper and Winifred strapped Cluny securely to the back of Don Juan's chair, Abbot Mordafus asked the pilot, "Are you sure you want to take him back to Cuba with you? It might be dangerous for you if he gets loose."

"Oh, I am believing so, Padre," Don Juan answered. "Very Loony will be very happy in Cuba. Yesno, huge rat?"

"NO!"

Cornflower gave a hug to her special friend. "Don Juan, I'll miss you. We all will." She began to cry.

Don Juan comforted her. "I will be missing you too, Cornyflower. But I must be seeing my home. I am very much needed there."

"We'll never forget you, Don Juan," Matthias said. "You saved us from enslavement and sure death. May the seasons be kind to you, sir."

"Okey dokey!" Don Juan boarded the airplane. "May it being, I will be visiting again, yesno?"

"YES!" everyone cheered.

"Goodbye, amigos!" The Spanish-speaking pilot started the plane one last time. The Redwallers backed up against the walls of the Abbey, waving to the stranger from another world. Don Juan started to tear up as the plane took off, away from his new friends. "I will be missing them. Will you, very Loony?"

"Don't speak to me, Don Juan!"

"We shall be having lotsa fun, yesno? Since we be such bestest friends, we will be doing everything together! When I get new BB gun, we can be shooting a bull's horn, or my sister's jug again! And we can send letters to my Avril Laveenie Senorita, since she is being the bestest singer in the wholest, widest world! And I teach you Hokie Pokie, since you were never learning before. We have such fun!"

"**HELP!"**

The radio switched to the Dr. Evil and Mini Me version of "It's a Hard Knock Life," as Cluny screamed.

Until next time…

(Nelly's "Air Force One" song plays)

(credits roll)


End file.
